happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
