I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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