dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
