smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you inspire me to be a worse person
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
