I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
