Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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