i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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