Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
