2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
