i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
