I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
