Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
