I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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