Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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