John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
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I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
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Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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