Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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