I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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