You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you had me at cake vodka
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him