So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
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I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
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You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.