Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
