I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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