why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
