Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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