I cockslap morals
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
