I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I look better un-naked...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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