He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
