I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
