You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He better not be in your backpack
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
