there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
