I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
