Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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