She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
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That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.