i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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