I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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