Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
