i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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