Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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