in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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