I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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