i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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