I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Fuck appropriateness.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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