my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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