I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
be right there i have to get my cape
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
