At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My cat gives me a boner
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
