We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
