I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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