Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
