Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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