Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
