How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
