i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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