Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
