i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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