After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
