i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
