please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
