I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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