I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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