i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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