He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
