Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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