I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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