my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
