When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
